Mar 8, 2010

DD National and The Better God

Weary eyes were overpowering my will to go for the TV remote, lying 1 meter away from me. I picked the remote after it struck me that the one day match between India and South Africa was to take place that day - Feb 24.

I browsed through the channels in RGV horror movies style. My eyes were looking for some blue amidst green and my ears were anticipating the great Indian uproar/some child plan ad. After a while, i succeeded. My eyes automatically went to the top left corner for the score. The weary eyes doubled in size and luminosity after a glance at the score. I raised the volume to enjoy the uproar. Indians produce this Jungle music when Sachin, in his nineties, takes a single. Just then i heard the word "Khuda-na-khasta".

My heart beat went down. It was some Hindi-Urdu commentary on the platter and the dialect was straight from the Mughal era. With complete disbelief in the idea of entertainment i looked at the top right corner of the TV. There it was - the hallucinating logo of DD National. DD stands for Door-Darshan, which in Hindi means something metaphorically close to hallucination! I sunk in to the logo for a second before my consciousness revived back to self-consciousness.

So i browsed again, this time not for the blue-green and the uproar, but for the correct logo (Neo Sports) on the top right corner. Sadly, NEO Sports was not there. I came back to DD and out of disgust threw the remote 10 meters away. I decided to try and focus more on the uproar than on the commentary. Here are some excerpts as a proof of my intrinsic disgust:

1. On Sachin approaching 100, given that his total no. of centuries in Tests+One Days were also approaching 100: "Shatkon ka shatak lagane ke liye apne aaj ke shatak ki taraf badhte shatakveer Sachin. Jaise hum roz chai peete hain, ye shatak lagate hain"
2. On Kallis, after he bowls a slower delivery: "Lagta hai Kallis DD National ki commentary sun rahe hain. Maine abhi kaha ki ye slow bowl acchi dalte hain aur inhone daal di"
3. On a pending 3rd umpire decision on Sachin for a run-out when he was on 157: "Person1: 'Poora hindustan pareshani mein hai - aap bhi lag rahe hain - apne pair kyun hila rahe hain' .. Person2: 'Aji pair kya cheez hai - jab Sachin musibat mein hote hain toh sab kuch hil jata hai!' "

Sachin was now in 190s. The commentator had started shouting his lungs out. Urdu was now impossible to decipher. Hindi turned into Sanskrit. Mughal era became the Mahabharata era. I pitied on the wet mic. I now realized why they never show the commentator's face on DD National.

I couldn't take it now. My ears were bleeding. I felt like sitting at the Hard Rock Cafe with a 70's Transistor on full volume. I hated God for the situation i was in, but it was the magical Sachin Ramesh Tendulkar displaying his masterclass, for whom it was all worth it. He took the final run, reached 200, raised his bat for one more time and looked at the sky for one more time. Only this time he asked God, "Howzzat?".

For a moment, i didn't listen to the public uproar or the screaming commentator because he stood there - The Better God, asking all my neurons to focus on signals from him, which unfortunately were only the visuals ! ..


Vaib's said...

awesome! jaisey hum roz chai peetey hain ye shatak lagatey hain!!

DD rocks..Actually if u want to see a boring match( jahan india hugg rahi ho dayneeys stithi main ho) it should be watched on DD. atleast hasney ko toh milta hai!

Chatterbox said...

Superb narration Vinay :)
You sent me rolling with laughter on this one :D

Too good!!

Keep up the fabulous work :)


Kshitij said...

That's so cool! I loved the journey... all for the better god.

Great writeup. Did you note the three points or you remembered?

I think had you been noting whenthe match was on, you would have got en entire list.

Vinay Sharma said...

@Vaibhav: U r right .. but in my case it was the best match and i had to watch it on DD1 !!

@Chatter: Thanks and i will ..

@K****ij: I did note the points on my ipod that night .. i knew it's going to come out one day :P .. sorry for wat i did to ur name :D

Kshitij said... thing..

Forgive you for my asterisked name... gotto ask dad some questions...haha

Varsh said...

Oh yeah...the Hindi commentary now seems like some other era... I remember seeing it when I was a kid..

But but...a bigger punishment is to hear Siddhu's sometimes becomes hard to understand just what happened with the game :P

Asif said...

Ohhh that was a real entertainer. We all know how boring the DD commentaries are but your keen observation and marvellous presentation made the post soo much entertaining and hillarious.
In short I just say you are an exceptional writer... :)

Vinay Sharma said...

@ Kshitij: ;)
@Varsha: I found Siddhu over-the-top, but not boring and irritating ..
@Asif: thnx and keep visiting dude

Red said...

thankfully DD doesn't telecast IPL
btw, which team are you with this time ? ;)

Vinay Sharma said...

The least expected becomes the champion in T20. I statistically bet for KKR .. though the heart goes for SRT and not SRK

Pallavi said...

that was one funny post.!

rohini said...

hey nice post,...really liked the way u drop at my place...

Vinay Sharma said...

@pallavi: thnx ..
@rohini: thnx but be cautious while choosing words :P

Radom emotios said...

You are awesome in explaining the feelings making it look so real.

Caution : Never ever do anything foolish in front of Vinay, you never know if that comes on his blog :P

sulagna ™ said...

once more..brilliantly written

Vinay Sharma said...

@sulagna: came after a long time?
@rajan: when is ur valfi ? .. bula rahe ho ke nahi :P

Nahl said...

You're a wonderful writer, man!

Varsh said...

You've been awarded on my blog!! :)