Aug 11, 2009


Mumbai auto rickshaw is like a rap song; Dirty, Dhinch & Up-front. It looks like a black pig with a light emitting nose, as "breathtaking" as Asthma. The body is invariably curvaceous, denty & torn. Interiors sport shiny CDs, national flag stickers and tattoos ranging from "Aum" to "786". The leg space is directly proportional to the length of your thigh bone. The proportionality constant, however, is 1. The best part is the multi-billion dollar patented suspension system which protects you from having weak joints. The driver of course is a rapper who rides the song.

Coming to the rappers. There are 2 categories: locals and UPBs (U.P & Bihar). I found that they are 2 completely different breed. The former is quiet, un-interested and flaunts pride and honesty; read 'all boring'. The latter breed is more like my kind of rapper. I love em. Recently, i got a chance to chat-up with a few of the UPBs and what's written below is meant for them.

UPBs have a moderate IQ. Their knowledge about people and relationships is solid. When they stop at signals or get stuck in traffic, they utilize time by cleaning the auto. They normally use sand with water to clean the mirror. However, tobacco with water is the best cleaning mixture!. Apparently, it avoids water drops sticking to the mirror.

They hate 2 things: BEST, their business rival and all women drivers. According to them, BEST is like nicotine, a life-taking lifeline. Women drivers give them obvious and plenty reasons to hate. A few of their everyday comments: "Who gives them the license?", "Look, she is checking herself out in the mirror", "Damn, she took turn opposite to her indicator" .. and so on. I think all men will Roger That. May be women tell you to go on the side where indicator is blinking, that's why it's called "indicator", for YOU!!.

I encountered a bindaas rapper recently who gave me a very entertaining company from Powai to Vile Parle. Slim, dark, long hairs and a heart & arrow tattoo on left hand. Waist was around 26, so was his age. He said being slim is cool among men of his league. Opposite goes for the throttle grip. The number of grips on the accelerator is a status quotient. The fatter it is, the duder the rapper. He had a peculiar style of sitting. The dimensions of the pilot seat were 2.5ft. X 1.5ft. He sat only on the leftmost 0.5 X 1.5, angling the lean body over his butt towards right. This is also a very popular way of sitting, he told, smiling shyly. I said Vile Parle. He pulled the lever. Swine flew!


ARJuna said...

Brilliant!!! Completely other words just loved it.

Aastha said...

fantabulous.... usage of metaphors and simile of the highest order.......

Kshitij said...

Excellent. Really loved it. You're good, man. By the way, your choice of movies matches mine. Good work. Good blog.

Saad Shaikh said...

hehehee.. :D

when your swine flu.. it felt great.. not all swines fly that often upon request.. :P

well, seems like you've done a PhD kinda research on these Autos and their pilots,, ;) good enough to write a thesis at least..

but yaar.. how could you forget to mention the bollywood quotient in these Autos.. sometimes those bigger than life-size posters of actresses scare the hell out of me..

was really fun to read... and 'twas something I could 'really' understand to the core.. :P

looking forward to more such posts..

go on buddy! :)

Mon Espace said...

Swine Flew!!!


Fantastic last line!

*still laughing*


Vinay said...

thnx @ arjuna, aastha, kshitij, saad and veda (if i am right :)) ..

@ Saad: Dude .. i had a lot more to write but i dint want it to be too long or end with " be continued" ..

.. although, it will be continued :) .. so bollywood will get covered in the next one .. thnx for the elaborate comment

Anonymous said...

Hey there.. Love your blog. Great sense of humour.. Just curious! How did you get that label thingy on your blog? :)

Narbhaksh! said...

kadak hain :) your blogs are evolving day by day....nice and free entertainment

Vinay said...

dhanyavad @ narbhakshi! ..

@nothing girl: google :) .. i don't remember ..

shweta said...

Couldn't believe you finished ur thesis on auto walas .. so soon...
I believe .. this is only in mumbai ... in others parts .. the conditions are worst... passengers .. bursting out of the rick .. apparently 8 r the max i have seen..

Nyways ...Article is .. g8 .. brilliant Job.. !!!

Swine Flue .. offcourse .. was the excellent punch ... :P .. keep it up ..

Red said...

A great piece of writing, thoroughly entertaining and very well written.

I would re-iterate what I told you before - you should be copywriting for adverts.

May be we can open an ad agency together (mark my words) ;-)

Shabnam Sultan said...

Awesome......... loved every single word.It seems you have a done a lot of research on auto walas.

Vinay said...

thanks @ Shweta, Robin and Shabnam

@ Robin: Sure ;)
@ Shabnam: Well, i contribute INR 6000 per month to their industry, i am bound to draw some conclusions!

Nithya said...

I bet there are as many terrible male drivers as there are female. And now thanks to you, I'm going to think of pigs with light bulbs for noses when I see an auto :)
Thanks for visiting my blog, do drop in often.

Vinay said...

ya i agree.. but the word "terrible" holds different meaning for men and women :) ..

.. sure will follow you

Sri said...

just happened to stumble upon your blog and I am glad I did. Your style of writing is just fabulous. Swine flu haha that was nicely cued.